I have an unpredictable personality.
I am not alright and I haven’t been for a while now. My friends probably suffer the worst. My family doesn’t realise it is this bad. I have been experiencing this cycle of severe highs and lows for some time now. I meet someone, we hit it off extremely well, they take care of me (because God knows I cannot take care of myself) they lift me up, they believe in me, they’re kind to me in ways others aren’t. I fall in love.
Now, I know that doesn’t sound bad but … my “love” is dangerous and not something I want to inflict on anyone. Because I don’t “love” casually. I “love” strongly, aggressively and dangerously. I feel jealousy and I feel inadequacy and I experience serious drops in my moods and lows in my thinking that cause me to do and say unexpected, and irrational, things.
I hurt the people I love consistently and it really is no mystery, to me, why I am always so goddamn alone. Writing this is extremely painful and the tears running down my cheeks makes it difficult but I need to get this out in some form or else I fear I might explode.
I know this has no real structure and if anyone does bother to ever read this I apologise for that. Moving on.
I recently fell in love with my very best friend. He picked me up and held me together in some of the darkest times in my life and I really let him down. I hurt him, a lot, and no amount of “I’m sorry’s” is ever going to makeup for that.
He deserves a far better friend than me. I latch on, I cling too tightly and I fear too strongly that secretly everyone despises me and they only talk to me because they don’t have the heart to tell me the truth. (That happens a lot when they know you have a mental illness and you don’t handle rejection well.)
I will say being some 4,500 km away from him makes it exceedingly difficult because all I want right now is to run to his house, beg forgiveness and have him hold me. Just hold me however damn tight he pleases. That’s all I have ever truly wanted from him….Someone to talk to and someone to hold me. Fuck the rest of it, I don’t care about sex or any other physical aspects of this unconventional friendship we had. I just wanted him. I wanted his friendship, I wanted his arms and I wanted to just BE PHYSICALLY in his life.
He said some hurtful things to me….and God I want to be mad at him. I want to be angry and, at the time I was, but the thing is ….. they’re true. I AM hung up on him and I DO CRAVE his attention ….. I LOVE when his attention is on me, I live for the moments we are playful with each other and I LOVE LOVE LOVE when we Skype and I can see him and hear his voice and when I make him laugh or fanboy because he is so fucking adorable!
So yeah, I do agree with him even though the way he went about it was hurtful I can’t deny that they were 100% real and true and I can understand exactly where he’s coming from. I just don’t know how to stop….I don’t know how to get rid of this ‘Cling until they cut you off’ sort of mindset I have…..I am always so fucking afraid that he’ll just …. leave me one day and so, I did the unthinkable and left him …. Which makes no sense but when you live, day to day, in a preventative mind set you begin to act out of fear and in the moment which means you leave the people you love before they have the chance to leave you. Because nothing hurts more than giving your all to someone who walks away for no reason. Except ….. isn’t that what I did to him? I was just as cruel to him, if not worse. So this method is what needs changing along with my stubborn temper and my inability to handle rejection and these feelings of inferiority. I’m scared.
I have a week and one day until I see my Doctor and HOPE he gives me new medication. I HOPE I can see a proper psychiatrist and maybe start getting some of these dangerous, self destructive habits, out of my life for good. I also think I need a proper diagnosis because this … THING …. that’s wrong with me is far darker than mere depression. I worry about what it might possibly be but I don’t dare try to pinpoint it because without help there is no way I’d make it through the next week without further damage. (I’ll not talk about any physical damage I’ve done to myself here …. I’m not quite ready for that discussion yet.)
Maybe …. like he told my other friend …. maybe some time away will be a good thing for both of us….maybe he’ll choose to be away from me permanently. Maybe he’ll surprise me and stay and choose to work through it with me. That ….. I won’t allow myself to hope, too much, for that. He would have the right to walk away even after promising he never would. I can’t force him to stay nor do I have the right. He DESERVES friends who make him happy and why the hell he stayed my friend for so long is astonishing to me. He has such a beautiful soul and all I want is to be a part of what makes that soul so happy day to day.
I am terrified of the changes to come but …. whatever they will be I am sure they will be necessary for our futures, whether that be together or apart. For now, I only hope I can make it the week until I see my Doctor and restart my journey from square one again.
Please, for the love of God, let me be okay ….. Please?