I Don’t Know How NOT To Be In Love With Him.

I’m so sick of being in love with the wrong person every goddamn time. I know that someday he’s going to tell me he’s met someone and it’s going to fucking break me but there isn’t one goddamn thing I can do about it because HE DOESN’T FUCKING WANT ME AND HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND JUST HOW MUCH THAT FUCKING HURTS.

Maybe I’m just not meant to have a partner. Maybe there isn’t anyone who can handle me or love me, romantically. Maybe I really DID mess up the one good thing I had. I guess I’ll never know because honestly, it’s not like I have anybody beating down my door asking for my number.

I have been more confident lately, more self-assured, happier, and yet, I have these moments of loneliness where I feel wholly unlovable. Moments where I blame myself because I ruined the good relationships I did have and now nobody wants me. Mostly moments where I consistently doubt myself and my ability to truly love someone because of who I was in the past and I then find myself in an ocean of self-doubt and self-hate because it takes prescribed medication for me to behave like a normal fucking person.

I’m sick of being lonely and afraid that if I do, by some miracle, find someone I will, inevitably, screw it up again. I’m just so sick of crying, I’m sick of being alone and I’m so fucking sick of being afraid of myself ….. I think I still need help ….. but the idea of a therapist and telling a stranger everything I’ve done wrong and explaining why things scare me so much is gutwrenchingly terrifying and I would honestly rather scale a barbed wire fence with bare feet, thank you.

I had a conversation with my (now ex) boyfriend about some of my recurring dreams one day. It was late and he said we should probably look further into that, study it, maybe do a reading (he reads tarot and is eerily good at it) and I really wish we had before things fell apart. Because I think it would tell me a lot …. but I’m far too afraid to do it on my own.

I’m just afraid all the time. I know I’ll mess up again, blow up again, it’s just a matter of when and who I’ll lose, this time when I do.  Anyway, it’s after 3 am and this probably makes no sense. (Also literally nobody reads this shit anyway.) So I’ll wrap this up and maybe do a follow up another day. No promises though.



Here’s something different !! I’m not whining about my life !!


Okay so disclaimer – I am not bashing this book because I am really enjoying it so far, it is simply one character IN the book I DO NOT like and feel the need to rant about. If you’re going to leave comments PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE no spoilers. I haven’t finished reading yet.



Now that that’s out of the way, I need to discuss this book ! Particularly the father in this book. Now, this book is told in two timelines. We often flash back and forth from present time to when Amanda was a child and, through that, we often see the brutal life she’s had, the bullying and the harshness of her own parental figure towards her growing up.

Amanda is a 16 year old transgender woman in her last year of high school. She recently moved cities to live with her father, post transition, after 6 years of not seeing him. Now, in the beginning, he seems hesitant but immediately accepts her as his daughter. Great !! However, things immediately start to become shady and worrisome when he begins to say things like “Christ. I thought you took this seriously. I really did. “Why are you going to church with fundamentalists?” “Why are you having boys alone … and not just boy, mind you, but athletes by the look of that Grant character….” (Grant being the love interest.) “I trust you to keep your head down.”

These are only a few of the things he says to her and he has made it VERY clear in the beginning that he doesn’t accept her immediately. He uses the excuse “I guess I’m just old fashioned.” She tries, several times, to speak to him about what happened to her that put her in the hospital and forced her to move but he brushes it off saying things like “We can talk about that later.” She then asks why he hasn’t called or wrote and his response was “What would I say?” YOU’RE HER FATHER !!! YOU WOULD TELL HER YOU LOVE HER AND ASK HOW SHE IS, YOU WOULD MAKE TIME TO COME SEE HER. YOU WOULD TELL HER YOU WOULD PROTECT HER AND THAT THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN AND APOLOGISE FOR NOT BEING AROUND.

Also, he is consistently telling her to “Keep her head down.” and repeatedly telling her he doesn’t want her to have friendships or boyfriends because they’ll all hurt her and that he only wants her to focus on school and graduating and getting into university. Now yes, I understand being a father figure can be difficult and that’s what most dad’s want from their daughters BUT the way he goes about bringing her down whenever she is the least bit happy about having a social life is distressing and heartbreaking. The way he is scaring her into believing ALL boys are the same (WHICH HE SAYS ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS) and all boys have ONE THING in mind and that when they “find out” her secret (as nobody in her new school knows she’s trans) then they WILL hurt her and leave her…. is downright disgusting.

She has wonderful friends in this book, she’s pretty well liked in her group and she is accepted, without question by her boyfriend and her peers. She is like every other teenage girl but her father can ONLY see the Trans kid in her rather than the normal 16 year old girl she is trying, so desperately, to be. It’s so fucking infuriating and it’s ruining the story for me.

Rant over ….. Unless I find more shit to write about.


Every Time I Try To Let You Go….

Someone came into my life recently, I guess you could call it, a blast from the past….
Bringing with them, a whole host of unwanted memories, and feelings, that were better left buried and forgotten.
It has made me second guess myself. It has made me question my past choices. Choices that I cannot remake. Choices that are, and will forever be, in the past.
Why now? Why after so long? Who reach out now? Why when I am attempting to piece my life back together after heartbreak does this have to happen now?
It is as if life senses life can sense when I am on the road to being a better, healthier, more whole person and decides that Karma really needs to revisit me, reminding me of all the negativity that caused me to be where I currently am in life.
Is that how Karma works? Do I deserve this much suffering? Maybe I should just shake it off but it just feels so intrusive.
When I left that world, those people, everyone wanted me gone. Even now, I am not worth their true selves. They’ve hidden behind a facade of false names and masks that have, seemingly, been invented, to perplex me and amuse them. It’s nauseating.
It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the invasive questioning and cryptic way they went about reintroducing themselves to me. The immediate steering of the conversation to past events and people, within the world I had since left behind, has caused me to immediately raise my guard and take a step back.
There is no room, in my life and current mental state, for old wounds and past pain. I cannot, I WILL NOT, go through any of that pain again. I am doing better. I am doing well. I have those I need surrounding me. I cannot handle past regrets as I am too busy grasping hold of the daily affirmations which keep me in check.

I gave my word that I would practice good self care. I promise that I would try, that I would be more assertive and dominate my own damn mind because, at the end of the day, I am my own worst enemy. If I cannot handle myself, currently, then I sure as hell cannot handle my past self as I was.

I am important.
I am worth it.
I am enough.
I am not my mistakes.
I am not my past.
I am not my bad decisions.
I am allowed to leave my past in the past and move on.

That Nasty ‘L’ Word

To be honest, I am just so fucking lonely it hurts and I’m terrified I’ll end up with someone bound only to cause me pain, use me and leave me.

I’m scared because I was told, by the one person I felt safe with, that I can’t talk about my  loneliness, to him because apparently he has it worse….It killed my heart because, rather than telling me he understands, he shames me for it and demands I not speak of it again….

I’m just …. I don’t know anymore …. I’m sick of feeling so fucking alone …..

Fainting Spells

Someone was talking about fainting and said “I’ve never fainted but I’ve always wanted to know what it was like.”

So ….. I thought, I would post my experiences here and kind of get it out because it isn’t something anyone, or even I, for that matter, really understands.

What fainting is like, for me.

I get extremely weak, then feel quite dizzy. My vision goes fuzzy and narrows to tunnel vision and I see tiny spots dappling in front of my eyes.

I get cold sweats and can’t speak. My hearing changes so that it sounds like I’m under water then I lose feeling in my entire body, starting with my feet and legs. My movements become sluggish and I lose control of my entire body before, finally, fainting to the floor.

SOMETIMES if I catch it early enough and I recognise the symptoms (ears buzzing and feeling light headed) then I can catch myself. When that happens I have to sit on the floor wherever I am. (In a public setting this can be really embarrassing.) I prefer a cold floor, so a bathroom is ideal (though dangerous, as well, if you can’t catch it early enough.) I like to sit on the floor, leaning against a wall and, if that doesn’t help, it usually doesn’t, then I have to LAY ON THE COLD FLOOR and spread my body out so it can absorb as much of the cool temperature as possible. Sometimes this takes a few minutes, sometimes it can take hours to feel better.

If I’ve fainted I have no idea how long I was out, though when it’s happened with others around they say it’s only been a few seconds to a couple minutes. If I’ve managed to catch it and take precautions I have to remain on the floor until I am confident enough to get up, sometimes crawling, and make my way to the sofa or my bed. Cold water helps and warm blankets because I am usually freezing afterwards.

I have hurt myself, on occasion, stuck myself with a nail or hit my head or my arm or another body part. I’ve fainted onto people, onto hard floors and in public places. (It’s so much worse in public places because people don’t want to help, they just want to stare.) So you have to be hyper aware of your bodies tell-tale signs when it signals you that you’re about to have an episode. Which is another reason I HATE having blocked ears (which happens a lot, as well) because 90% of my signals happen through my ears.

Anyway, I just wanted to type this up and let anyone who was interested read it. I hope that if you suffer from fainting spells, as well, you find some comfort in knowing you’re not alone. It isn’t silly or weird or pathetic. It is a biological issue that causes your body to lose function and collapse. There is nothing ‘weird’ or ‘silly’ about it. Remember that you can go to your doctors. (I hope they are more helpful than mine are.)

Thanks for reading, I hope you’re all well and I hope you’re having a wonderful day.


Dark Days & Disaster

I have an unpredictable personality.

I am not alright and I haven’t been for a while now. My friends probably suffer the worst. My family doesn’t realise it is this bad. I have been experiencing this cycle of severe highs and lows for some time now. I meet someone, we hit it off extremely well, they take care of me (because God knows I cannot take care of myself) they lift me up, they believe in me, they’re kind to me in ways others aren’t. I fall in love.

Now, I know that doesn’t sound bad but … my “love” is dangerous and not something I want to inflict on anyone. Because I don’t “love” casually. I “love” strongly, aggressively and dangerously. I feel jealousy and I feel inadequacy and I experience serious drops in my moods and lows in my thinking that cause me to do and say unexpected, and irrational, things.

I hurt the people I love consistently and it really is no mystery, to me, why I am always so goddamn alone. Writing this is extremely painful and the tears running down my cheeks makes it difficult but I need to get this out in some form or else I fear I might explode.

I know this has no real structure and if anyone does bother to ever read this I apologise for that. Moving on.

I recently fell in love with my very best friend. He picked me up and held me together in some of the darkest times in my life and I really let him down. I hurt him, a lot, and no amount of “I’m sorry’s” is ever going to makeup for that.

He deserves a far better friend than me. I latch on, I cling too tightly and I fear too strongly that secretly everyone despises me and they only talk to me because they don’t have the heart to tell me the truth. (That happens a lot when they know you have a mental illness and you don’t handle rejection well.)

I will say being some 4,500 km away from him makes it exceedingly difficult because all I want right now is to run to his house, beg forgiveness and have him hold me. Just hold me however damn tight he pleases. That’s all I have ever truly wanted from him….Someone to talk to and someone to hold me. Fuck the rest of it, I don’t care about sex or any other physical aspects of this unconventional friendship we had. I just wanted him. I wanted his friendship, I wanted his arms and I wanted to just BE PHYSICALLY in his life.

He said some hurtful things to me….and God I want to be mad at him. I want to be angry and, at the time I was, but the thing is ….. they’re true. I AM hung up on him and I DO CRAVE his attention ….. I LOVE when his attention is on me, I live for the moments we are playful with each other and I LOVE LOVE LOVE when we Skype and I can see him and hear his voice and when I make him laugh or fanboy because he is so fucking adorable!

So yeah, I do agree with him even though the way he went about it was hurtful I can’t deny that they were 100% real and true and I can understand exactly where he’s coming from. I just don’t know how to stop….I don’t know how to get rid of this ‘Cling until they cut you off’ sort of mindset I have…..I am always so fucking afraid that he’ll just …. leave me one day and so, I did the unthinkable and left him …. Which makes no sense but when you live, day to day, in a preventative mind set you begin to act out of fear and in the moment which means you leave the people you love before they have the chance to leave you. Because nothing hurts more than giving your all to someone who walks away for no reason. Except ….. isn’t that what I did to him? I was just as cruel to him, if not worse. So this method is what needs changing along with my stubborn temper and my inability to handle rejection and these feelings of inferiority. I’m scared.

I have a week and one day until I see my Doctor and HOPE he gives me new medication. I HOPE I can see a proper psychiatrist and maybe start getting some of these dangerous, self destructive habits, out of my life for good. I also think I need a proper diagnosis because this … THING …. that’s wrong with me is far darker than mere depression. I worry about what it might possibly be but I don’t dare try to pinpoint it because without help there is no way I’d make it through the next week without further damage. (I’ll not talk about any physical damage I’ve done to myself here …. I’m not quite ready for that discussion yet.)

Maybe …. like he told my other friend …. maybe some time away will be a good thing for both of us….maybe he’ll choose to be away from me permanently. Maybe he’ll surprise me and stay and choose to work through it with me. That ….. I won’t allow myself to hope, too much, for that. He would have the right to walk away even after promising he never would. I can’t force him to stay nor do I have the right. He DESERVES friends who make him happy and why the hell he stayed my friend for so long is astonishing to me. He has such a beautiful soul and all I want is to be a part of what makes that soul so happy day to day.

I am terrified of the changes to come but …. whatever they will be I am sure they will be necessary for our futures, whether that be together or apart. For now, I only hope I can make it the week until I see my Doctor and restart my journey from square one again.

Please, for the love of God, let me be okay ….. Please?

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