That Nasty ‘L’ Word

To be honest, I am just so fucking lonely it hurts and I’m terrified I’ll end up with someone bound only to cause me pain, use me and leave me.

I’m scared because I was told, by the one person I felt safe with, that I can’t talk about my  loneliness, to him because apparently he has it worse….It killed my heart because, rather than telling me he understands, he shames me for it and demands I not speak of it again….

I’m just …. I don’t know anymore …. I’m sick of feeling so fucking alone …..

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Fainting Spells

Someone was talking about fainting and said “I’ve never fainted but I’ve always wanted to know what it was like.”

So ….. I thought, I would post my experiences here and kind of get it out because it isn’t something anyone, or even I, for that matter, really understands.

What fainting is like, for me.

I get extremely weak, then feel quite dizzy. My vision goes fuzzy and narrows to tunnel vision and I see tiny spots dappling in front of my eyes.

I get cold sweats and can’t speak. My hearing changes so that it sounds like I’m under water then I lose feeling in my entire body, starting with my feet and legs. My movements become sluggish and I lose control of my entire body before, finally, fainting to the floor.

SOMETIMES if I catch it early enough and I recognise the symptoms (ears buzzing and feeling light headed) then I can catch myself. When that happens I have to sit on the floor wherever I am. (In a public setting this can be really embarrassing.) I prefer a cold floor, so a bathroom is ideal (though dangerous, as well, if you can’t catch it early enough.) I like to sit on the floor, leaning against a wall and, if that doesn’t help, it usually doesn’t, then I have to LAY ON THE COLD FLOOR and spread my body out so it can absorb as much of the cool temperature as possible. Sometimes this takes a few minutes, sometimes it can take hours to feel better.

If I’ve fainted I have no idea how long I was out, though when it’s happened with others around they say it’s only been a few seconds to a couple minutes. If I’ve managed to catch it and take precautions I have to remain on the floor until I am confident enough to get up, sometimes crawling, and make my way to the sofa or my bed. Cold water helps and warm blankets because I am usually freezing afterwards.

I have hurt myself, on occasion, stuck myself with a nail or hit my head or my arm or another body part. I’ve fainted onto people, onto hard floors and in public places. (It’s so much worse in public places because people don’t want to help, they just want to stare.) So you have to be hyper aware of your bodies tell-tale signs when it signals you that you’re about to have an episode. Which is another reason I HATE having blocked ears (which happens a lot, as well) because 90% of my signals happen through my ears.

Anyway, I just wanted to type this up and let anyone who was interested read it. I hope that if you suffer from fainting spells, as well, you find some comfort in knowing you’re not alone. It isn’t silly or weird or pathetic. It is a biological issue that causes your body to lose function and collapse. There is nothing ‘weird’ or ‘silly’ about it. Remember that you can go to your doctors. (I hope they are more helpful than mine are.)

Thanks for reading, I hope you’re all well and I hope you’re having a wonderful day.

Cheers.

Dark Days & Disaster

I have an unpredictable personality.

I am not alright and I haven’t been for a while now. My friends probably suffer the worst. My family doesn’t realise it is this bad. I have been experiencing this cycle of severe highs and lows for some time now. I meet someone, we hit it off extremely well, they take care of me (because God knows I cannot take care of myself) they lift me up, they believe in me, they’re kind to me in ways others aren’t. I fall in love.

Now, I know that doesn’t sound bad but … my “love” is dangerous and not something I want to inflict on anyone. Because I don’t “love” casually. I “love” strongly, aggressively and dangerously. I feel jealousy and I feel inadequacy and I experience serious drops in my moods and lows in my thinking that cause me to do and say unexpected, and irrational, things.

I hurt the people I love consistently and it really is no mystery, to me, why I am always so goddamn alone. Writing this is extremely painful and the tears running down my cheeks makes it difficult but I need to get this out in some form or else I fear I might explode.

I know this has no real structure and if anyone does bother to ever read this I apologise for that. Moving on.

I recently fell in love with my very best friend. He picked me up and held me together in some of the darkest times in my life and I really let him down. I hurt him, a lot, and no amount of “I’m sorry’s” is ever going to makeup for that.

He deserves a far better friend than me. I latch on, I cling too tightly and I fear too strongly that secretly everyone despises me and they only talk to me because they don’t have the heart to tell me the truth. (That happens a lot when they know you have a mental illness and you don’t handle rejection well.)

I will say being some 4,500 km away from him makes it exceedingly difficult because all I want right now is to run to his house, beg forgiveness and have him hold me. Just hold me however damn tight he pleases. That’s all I have ever truly wanted from him….Someone to talk to and someone to hold me. Fuck the rest of it, I don’t care about sex or any other physical aspects of this unconventional friendship we had. I just wanted him. I wanted his friendship, I wanted his arms and I wanted to just BE PHYSICALLY in his life.

He said some hurtful things to me….and God I want to be mad at him. I want to be angry and, at the time I was, but the thing is ….. they’re true. I AM hung up on him and I DO CRAVE his attention ….. I LOVE when his attention is on me, I live for the moments we are playful with each other and I LOVE LOVE LOVE when we Skype and I can see him and hear his voice and when I make him laugh or fanboy because he is so fucking adorable!

So yeah, I do agree with him even though the way he went about it was hurtful I can’t deny that they were 100% real and true and I can understand exactly where he’s coming from. I just don’t know how to stop….I don’t know how to get rid of this ‘Cling until they cut you off’ sort of mindset I have…..I am always so fucking afraid that he’ll just …. leave me one day and so, I did the unthinkable and left him …. Which makes no sense but when you live, day to day, in a preventative mind set you begin to act out of fear and in the moment which means you leave the people you love before they have the chance to leave you. Because nothing hurts more than giving your all to someone who walks away for no reason. Except ….. isn’t that what I did to him? I was just as cruel to him, if not worse. So this method is what needs changing along with my stubborn temper and my inability to handle rejection and these feelings of inferiority. I’m scared.

I have a week and one day until I see my Doctor and HOPE he gives me new medication. I HOPE I can see a proper psychiatrist and maybe start getting some of these dangerous, self destructive habits, out of my life for good. I also think I need a proper diagnosis because this … THING …. that’s wrong with me is far darker than mere depression. I worry about what it might possibly be but I don’t dare try to pinpoint it because without help there is no way I’d make it through the next week without further damage. (I’ll not talk about any physical damage I’ve done to myself here …. I’m not quite ready for that discussion yet.)

Maybe …. like he told my other friend …. maybe some time away will be a good thing for both of us….maybe he’ll choose to be away from me permanently. Maybe he’ll surprise me and stay and choose to work through it with me. That ….. I won’t allow myself to hope, too much, for that. He would have the right to walk away even after promising he never would. I can’t force him to stay nor do I have the right. He DESERVES friends who make him happy and why the hell he stayed my friend for so long is astonishing to me. He has such a beautiful soul and all I want is to be a part of what makes that soul so happy day to day.

I am terrified of the changes to come but …. whatever they will be I am sure they will be necessary for our futures, whether that be together or apart. For now, I only hope I can make it the week until I see my Doctor and restart my journey from square one again.

Please, for the love of God, let me be okay ….. Please?

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I’m Still Your Puppet ~

  One year later and you still haunt me in the broken hearts of my friends as the lessons you taught me all come back to riddle me with dread.
 
  Familiarity sits in my gut like leaden vomit and I am forced to push through it all to help those I love … when those I thought I knew well have become strangers …. unexpected …. cold and wrong.
 
  Something isn’t right here …. You are nowhere to be seen …. and I am all the better for it …. Yet your mistakes remain … the words you said, that callous way you went about it … the breaking of hearts, one after another…washed away in the ocean of your tears as you garnered sympathy from those who knew all but the truth.
 
  This time it isn’t me … It isn’t me who is drowning this time …. which makes it increasingly difficult, for me, to handle. I have friends crying on both shoulders, in one I see myself …. not yet one year ago….so lost … clueless….heartbroken …. afraid and so fucking alone. In the other I see a monster and that isn’t fair …. but it cannot be helped because I have been here before and I still don’t understand …. I don’t understand HOW someone can simply stop loving …. It baffles me, it still scares me and it horrifies me ….
Kno
  I didn’t realise how broken I still was until I was faced with the same situation … not one year on …. looking in from outside …. I don’t know what part of this is more horrifying…. understanding the pain he’s in or knowing, full well, the ugly, tainted stain the other soul has left on his, already, tarnished heart.
 
  It hurt 8 months ago …. Now I just feel sick. Fuck you for ruining me and fuck you for still affecting me so immensely. I thought I was done with what happened … but now that I see it from a whole new light it only proves to me how cold and callous people can be. Unexpectedly so, which only proves to make the situation worse.
 
  Fuck !!23376336_907625599394206_8721037057913580617_n

You ~

One of these days I shall meet you.

You, who will make my heart whole and cause it to soar upon strong wings and a brisk wind.

You, who will meet my intelligence and challenge it with brilliance and encouragement for the bettering of my open mind.

You, who will pull a smile from reluctant lips and place, upon my willing flesh, the pinkest of promises that shall stain warm cheeks and wrap around me like a blanket.

You, who will hold me, tenderly but with conviction, allowing my entire being to give in, feeling secure in your embrace, never doubting, for a moment, the sincerity of that which you have given.

You, who will hold all of my secrets close, in the treasure chest of your, mysterious, heart, trusting me to hold the key to all that keeps you.

You, who will kiss me, so deeply, make love to me, so intensely, regard me, so adoringly, keep me, so protectively that life itself shall end but we remain, always and forever.

You, who will understand the madness within me and dare to play within the fire I possess, for you fear not, getting burned, yet you dare to touch that, which is a part of me, still unknown and terrifying, but you go willingly, and without regret.

You, who will stand by my side, hands clasped, with mine, into my murky, forbidden, depths and be not afraid of what you will find there.

You, who will find entrance into my very soul, making a home, sharing existences, experiences, darkness and the light, losing the way out and feeling all the more confident for it.

You, who will remain, when all others have abandoned this mighty and ferocious ship of nightmares and rage. Clasping the Captain’s wheel, not in lieu of, but rather, with me, we shall sail through the depths of the life and, together, we dare to take on the challenges of life and all it’s chaos.

 

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The Existential Crisis.

[Trigger Warning : Talk of Depression & Vivid Nightmares]

For those of you who have gone through this, I applaud you for coming out the other side stronger and braver than you may have felt going in.

For those of you who have yet to experience this, please read carefully and know that everything I say is deathly serious and not to be mocked or giggled at.

According to Wikipedia the meaning of an ‘Existential Crisis’ is below.

[Taken directly from wikipedia these are not my words. Link to the article below.]

An existential crisis is a moment at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life: whether their life has any meaning, purpose, or value

An existential crisis may result from, be a misdiagnosis of, or be associated with:

  • Major Depressive Disorder
  • Dissatisfaction with one’s life
  • Major psychological trauma
  • The sense of being alone and isolated in the world;
  • A new-found grasp or appreciation of one’s mortality, including but not limited to following diagnosis of a major health concern such as a terminal illness;
  • Believing that one’s life has no purpose or external meaning;
  • Searching for the meaning
  • Shattering of one’s sense of reality, or how the world is;
  • An extremely pleasurable or hurtful experience that leaves one seeking meaning;

If you want to read more about it the link is here : https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existential_crisis

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Now, what’s the meaning of me pointing all that out and making a blog post about this? Well, I haven’t actually given this any real amount of thought in a very long time. Recently, however, I have been following a certain Youtuber by the name of [Dan] : https://www.youtube.com/user/danisnotonfire and he mentions the words ‘Existential Crisis’ several times throughout his video. He also has a few videos centered around this topic, on his channel where he explains that this is a common occurrence for him. So, why should you care? Why is it a big deal? Why am I taking time away from your day to make you read about my fucked up brain and what it forces me to overthink? Well sweetie, put on your pj’s, make a cup of hot chocolate and snuggle up with your Pet Phillion or Wild Danosaur because this is about to Go Deep.

Right, where to start? Well, at the beginning, I suppose. As I am one known for being physically unable to keep shit short, I will warn you, in advance, that this could be a very, very, VERY long post. So you might wanna go pee and put your phone on silent for a while. (Seriously, Jessica can wait and Becky just wants to complain anyway!) — SIDE NOTE : If you did have to go pee, I totally do not need to know…So don’t leave a comment saying you did….Please.

Alright, so where were we? Oh right, the beginning, okay! So, when I was about ….. I wanna say around 15 or 16 I use to have really vivid, pretty terrifying nightmares. I would almost always be running (Ugh! Running!) from something. I almost never knew what I was running from. Sometimes it was a noise, other times a shadow and, on the truly rare occasions, I would actually see it, if only for a moment or two, before it eventually caught up with me. It would oftentimes grab me and throw me hard against the ground, climbing on top of me, grumbling and speaking words I didn’t even want to understand. The few times I did see it the image was absolutely horrifying and not something I ever wish to experience again. I have had instances where the …. creature(?) had been leaning over me, so close I could feel it’s breath, wait, was it even breathing? Oh, who knows?! Anyway, it was close and it would hurt me. I won’t explain how as that would turn this post into something else entirely, but it was terrifying. I would scream, kick, claw at it’s flesh and struggle so hard I even broke bones in my dreams. Nothing ever worked and it continued to laugh and mock me until I was finally able to scream myself awake, bolting upright with a sheen of sweat covering my entire body. I considered myself lucky if I was able to sit up properly and, even though it took me ages to calm down, I still felt like I got off easy. For these were the nights where I didn’t have to experience the horrors of ‘sleep paralysis.’

Sleep Paralysis is explained here : https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_paralysis

When I did experience sleep paralysis this made the nightmares unbearable. Mostly due to the fact that I could no longer tell if I was still dreaming or if I was awake. If you’ve ever experienced SP you will know exactly what I mean when I say you are, without a doubt, 100% out of control. You are literally lying in your bed, most times on your back, breathing heavily, unable to move a muscle and feeling like something is sat on your chest all while ‘appearing’ completely normal to anyone who might see you, yet you are screaming for help inside your head. These are the nights I longed for the sun!!

Okay, so nightmares and Sleep Paralysis, what’s all this got to do with Existential Crisis and questions the meaningfulness of your existence? Well, everything! You see, as most girls my age, I was in school, I had friends, not many but I had some close ones, I had a family and I had a roof over my head and the comfort of a warm bed. Yet, those things alone did not stop me from experiencing these nightmares. The nightmares, well they got worse, then the nightmares kept me awake at all hours of the night and then being awake after a bone chilling run through a dark forest in the middle of a night with the spawn of Satan chasing after you, leads to you thinking about your own mortality and the inevitability of death. (Who! That was a mouthful.)

This leads to you over thinking your life, all of your life choices, remembering every tiny little blip of a detail of something you did wrong, reliving every embarrassing moment and bring forth every single mistake you’ve ever made in you entire life. Which leaves you panicking and thinking that you’ve done absolutely nothing with your life, time is moving way too fast, you’re nowhere near smart enough, you’re not even remotely good at anything and everything and everyone is moving too fast and they are all better than you and life is so short but yours is shit and you’ll never amount to anything and you could wake up tomorrow and brush your teeth, walk outside and be hit by taxi and all that would be left of you is a few posters on your wall and some bad report cards. Would your friends even miss you, would your family? I mean that argument you had with your dad was pretty intense, you probably should have done the thing your mum asked you to without complaint and your sisters or brothers don’t know how much they mean to you because you’re always fighting and your friends never call and everyone hates you and you could die right now and would anybody even know? Why am I not a genius and how come i’m not beautiful and why didn’t he call me back? Is that rumour still going around school? Do people believe it? Am I smart enough to make the grades I want and go to that college or get that big job? Will I ever fall in love? Do i have a soulmate? Are soulmates even real? Is anything real? Is the universe even real? SHIT! AM I REAL?! OH FUCK!! OH SHIT! OH FUCK! OH FUCK!! OH FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCKING HELL!!! *Commence three hour panic attack and hyperventilating with sobs and tears*

Did that seem a tad overwhelming to you? Yeah, it was meant to be. That’s only a GLIMPSE into the thought process of what a person goes through during an existential crisis. Dan probably wasn’t lying when he says he cries a lot. He probably wasn’t lying when he said he has [had] these quite often. He also probably wasn’t lying when he said that this can last for days…even weeks. THIS HAPPENS. It’s not a joke. It’s not to be laughed at. It’s actually quite depressing and distressing to go through something so emotionally painful and mentally draining. You can become exhausted physically, emotionally and mentally even if you’ve done literally nothing all day. He also mentions that it can affect your day to day life and even while you’re doing mundane things like….making breakfast. It literally interrupts your entire life and begs for every ounce of your attention. — I just got a massive cramp in my leg whilst typing this….Maybe that’s a sign. I’ll ignore it for now. —

So, how do you get out of an existential crisis, you may ask? What’s the cure? What’s the door I must go through in order to escape this mental hell? Huh, don’t I wish I knew? Honestly, apart from talking to someone, opening up to someone and truly talking it out and explaining, uninhibited about what you’re thinking and experiencing, there really isn’t a ‘cure.’ I made a friend, someone I loved dearly, when I was about 22, who was probably the only person I have ever been able to completely open up to. He and I talked for hours and hours about that very thing. The meaning of life, our thoughts of death and the afterlife. We talked about God and religion and the seeming endlessness of the universe. We talked about our inner most fears and we talked about why we were afraid to die. [Though, to be fair he wasn’t afraid, I was very much so afraid.] The point is this was someone I trust. Someone I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that no matter what happened, he would not tell my secrets nor I, his. He helped me, by simply believing me, truly listening to me and honestly understanding me and explaining his thoughts on the matter and by taking me serious enough to let me vent whenever I needed to get it out. So, the only thing I can say to you, the only ‘cure’ I can find is just find ‘someone’ who you trust enough to tell anything to. I almost want to say you have to honestly love this person but I won’t, as that is a biased opinion and I am not delving into that right now.

I will leave you with this. Regardless of what the media say, regardless of what the kids at school, the teachers in your class, your parents at home or the kids on the bus say, think or believe, You ARE Important. You DO Matter. You WILL Survive. You don’t need lots of friends, you only need one good one. Life isn’t meant to be easy. It is, however, meant to be cherished. You’ll have your bad days, your terrifying days, your boring days and your downright ‘fuck-this-shit-I-hate-everything-this-really-fucking-sucks’ days. You will also have your ‘Oh-My-Fucking-God-This-Totally-Just-Happened-I-Can’t-Believe-How-Amazing-I-Feel-I-Am-Going-To-Cry-From-Happiness’ days. LIVE FOR THOSE DAYS!!

I can’t tell you what your mortality rate is. I can’t give you the reason for your existence and I can’t tell you you’ll never have those terrifying moments again. What I can tell you is that you are strong enough to recognize them for what they are, you can pull through them and you will come out the other side even braver than when you went in. Don’t doubt yourself. You’re stronger than you believe. You just don’t know it yet.

So in conclusion, while some may laugh when Dan mentions his existential crisis, I actually cringe while my heart breaks for him because I know the hell of which he speaks. Yet, I remember, that he has that someone I mentioned above. He has Phil and he is definitely a much happier person now than he ever was before. So please, don’t mock the phangirl who seems legitimately concerned whenever Dan does post something depressing about his life or thought processes. Understand that we are concerned because we know what it’s like to be lonely and afraid and hurting. You can’t always see it but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Dan uses humour as a coping mechanism. Just remember, a simple ‘Are you okay?’ can really do a world of good to someone who believes that nobody cares about them.

Okay, that’s enough from me. If you made it all the way through this message, kudos to you! I know, I don’t know how to keep anything ‘short and sweet.’ If you understand and wanna leave a comment below, please do! If you don’t understand but want to comment and ask me questions, go for it. I’ll answer most. [Barring personal information or things I’d rather keep private, of course.]

Thanks and until next time.

You’re a star burning bright, light up the sky and